Odd Feeling

At night when I'm alone, with my thoughts I realize, every night, that I am terrfied of them. My thoughts and feelings that I keep in side. WHat am I hiding from? What am I so afriad of? I try to be myelf, but I dont even know who that is, so how can I be that person whem I'm so confused?

And with these realizations, I geet this feelng in me and I don't know what it is. I think it's anxious, and I start to shake.

Was I not really understanding? Or did I always understand?

He is want I want.....he doesn't realize! But he knows how I feel. He knows how much he means to me.....I never cared about anyone as I do him. I tell him I care, and he doesn't believe me. He tells me his doesn't care and I don't believe him, we are friends...only friends. Our friends think we wouldn't be well together.

I don't know if I can believe that, we can talk seriously one moment than do nothing but laugh the next. I don't WANT to love him, but I do. <3 T_T

I shed no tears, but I want to. And I won't because I want to appear strong to him.

Am I stupid for falling-and than telling him-for my best friend?

Out There

What is out there? What makes us? What makes us hate, love, lie, and die? Why do we do things that makes us sad, mad, and happy? Why are we so selfish that we delude ourselves into thinking we're "good" people? Why can't my questions be answered? And even if they are, why can't I trust those answers?

Why are we power-hungry, and greedy? What is the real difference between you, that African, that Asian, that Latino, that white person, me? We all bleed, we all hurt, we all love, we all die. So what's the real difference, really?

Why is there doubt? Why do we doubt the ones we are to trust? Why do we believe in the ones that are out to hurt us? Why are we here? Who or What created us?

Why do I see through all the lies told? Why do I see what no other sees? Why do I feel all the hurt of the world? Why does it feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder's?

Why does it feel as if I lost the one I love, even through I've never loved? Why do I feel as if I have a gaping and bleeding wound in my heart, that only that person can heal? Why do I miss someone who I've never met? Who I've never seen, heard or felt?

What is out there, really? What made you, what made me? Was it a "God"? Was it "Gods"? Or was it something so simple as "science"?

Me

My name is Stephanie. I'm 16 and I hate the world. I'm cold and hard to everyone. I have very few "Friends" b/c I trust no one. The earlier post was true I want to die but I fear death, in a way. No, if it is my time to go I'll go, but I don't want to kill myself, it's not that I think it wrong. I don't really care about suicide but I am too cowardly to kill myself. *Bitter laugh* I have trust issues along, wit other issues. Some say I'm depressed other's a drama-queen, goth, emo, angry, but I never really cared. I'm me and you're you. I smile when I want to cry, I never cry. I yell when I want to die, but to scared to do anything about it. I know I'm a horrible person. Always have been, always will be. I don't think that a lot of people would be sad if I died I mean I can be replaced as easily as getting a new student to fill me seat.
So, no this isn't my "Suicide Note" I'll still be alive for a while but for how long? *shrug* How should I know? well that's all for now maybe more later. Bye.

Suicide

Suicide: Never an option.
Suicide: Always an option.
Suicide: When you're so tired of holding your head up, you give up and die.

This is what some people, people like me, feel like doing everyday. How do you stop from planning, stop writing that note, stop that razor, that rope, those pills? How do you stop all of them when you cannot trust anyone?

Don't give me that B.S. about " Your friends love you" you can't trust your friends, not when loyalty can be changed with the flip on a coin. Or that even bigger B.S. about " your family loves you", even with their love that won't stop them from judging you.

And that shit about teachers and guidance councilor's and therapist *insert bitter laugh* you can't trust them not to look at you with pity and judgmental eyes.

Then there's you, yourself. But you can't trust yourself b/c you begin to hate and detest yourself, you'd wish you were died and then finally you would be.

Finally, there are people like me, who, in spite of knowing this, and knowing how to die are too cowardly and too scared to do it. We wish for someone else, who would do it. It doesn't matter who or how, as long as the end result would be us died.

So,
Suicide: Never an option?
Suicide: ALWAYS AN OPTION.
Especially when no one can be trusted and you wish for it.

Listen

I would most likely NOT even BE here if not for my comp. teacher she wanted us to use this 'cause we needed a new way to communicate wit teachers but I don't think she (my comp. teacher) realizes that I don't give a DAMN about this thing:
1. NHD is stupid as HELL, I mean why do we have to do this, I'd rather write a report.
2. I am sick n tired of every god damn teacher thinking I care about stupid crap like that.
& 3. I don't even know or care about u people so y should I tell u the workings in my head?
I know I probably offended people with that but again I DON"T KNOW YOU I DON'T CARE ABOUT U!!!